My Date with Dr. Payne

I know, right? An acupuncturist named Dr. Payne...believe me, there is absolutely no irony to be found. (More info on Dr. Payne under acupuncture @ UMC)

So Friday was my first acupuncture appointment. I arrived and met the super sweet nurse named Kimeisha. She does the usual song and dance- weight, blood pressure, etc. then leads me to what looks like a normal room in a doctor's office. Well, combined with a massage room- table, pillow, roll pillow for your feet- all lovely and soothing--- until I spot tiny jumper cables hanging on the wall. Surely these are for more seasoned acupuncture patients...

Enter Dr. Payne. She is an attractive Korean woman who is NO DOUBT very intelligent- she is an acupuncturist, pediatrician and anestheisiologist (I can't even spell it). Anyway, to say she is blunt is beating around the bush. This woman is seriously to the point. "Don't put your purse there- put it here." "What is your goal? What are you going to do when IVF doesn't work?" "Needles hurt. When you hear people say acupuncture doesn't feel like needles, it's not true- it will feel like needles sticking you."

Wow- I am so glad I came!

No really, the whole time I am completely amused (and abused) but thinking, can't wait to blog about this...

So, I get my tough love and then it's time for the first session...but not before I ask a question that I feel a patient experimenting with ancient Chinese alternative medicine should be able to ask (especially when insurance is not covering a lick of it...)

"Why does this work?" (Not DOES this work, mind you (I want to believe) but WHY.)

At first she gives me information that I have read- increased blood flow, stress relief, etc. Then she turns...She asks me why I take all these drugs and not question those and why do people think that they can damage their bodies for years and then expect acupuncture to fix it all, etc, etc....by the time she finished I had almost forgotten the question and most certainly regretted whatever it was...

So onto the table...

I lay on the table with my shirt pulled up and my jeans rolled up like a floods a-comin'. She just starts pushing needles in- she says that she will NOT be explaining every little thing she is doing because acupuncture is not like western medicine where you get the play by play on what your doctor is doing to your body...I can live with this. I am just trying not to think about it any way.

Needles go in my hands, arms, legs and feet- just a tiny prick going in and then they don't hurt but you are just very aware that they are there. She does warn me that some may hurt and I ask (why do I keep asking things? have I not learned my lesson yet?) "Should I tell you if it is painful?" Her response to this is "Yes, but I will just tell you that it is supposed to hurt. I want to make you feel this." Great, carry on...

So one goes in my hand, perhaps a little deeper than the previous needles, so I say "oooh- I feel that one!" and wiggle my fingers ever so slightly. Dr. P: "Do not move. If you do, you will be saying that it hurts and I will say I told you so."

Oh, the compassion.

So, all needles in, Chinese music playing in the background, Kimeisha returns. And then the jumper cables...while my knowledge of acupuncture is limited to say the least, I had NO idea about these...They connected my left foot to right arm, right foot to left arm and then turned on the current. Kimeisha instructs me to tell her when I feel "pain, throbbing or discomfort." Looking forward to it.

At this point I am imagining myself receiving electroshock therapy thrashing about on the table- I am going to tell her the second I feel ANYTHING. I tell her- there, I think I feel it. She says no and cranks up the dial. Then I feel it. It's like someone is tapping on your skin very quickly and the locations of the needles. Kinda weird but not uncomfortable.

She gets all the jumper cables thumping then turns out the light, cranks up the Chinese Muzak and shines a red light on my feet. (I'm confused on the significance here, but no longer permitting myself to ask questions.) I laid there for about 10-15 minutes during which I finally convinced myself that I should indeed look at the needles sticking in me. Wow- what a view... the needles in my tummy were the most disturbing. Especially where she had circled my right ovary area (which I had told her was my dominant ovary). All I could think of was that I was the human voodoo doll and we were casting a spell on that overworked little ovary...

So we repeated this whole thing while I laid on my stomach with needles along my spine and in the base of my skull. My head felt like it weighed 100 pounds and about halfway through my "relaxation" I completely lost my breath so it was doing something!

Afterwards my body felt fatigued but I have no pin holes!

I will repeat this on Tuesdays and Thursdays for the next few weeks leading up to our retrieval. I'm sure more stories are to come of this interesting experience, but I really do feel it's worth a try. Dr. Payne told me that the IVF clinic in Denver (which boasts upwards of a 78% success rate) requires acupuncture for all of their IVF patients. We want to give this the best shot we can, so I think it's worth the abuse! Plus, what great stories...