NEGATIVE

On Pins & Needles?

What's another saying for this because I've already literally been on pins and needles...Feel I need something else to explain this waiting period!

My blood is in the lab and I'm just waiting.  The nurse is calling Brad with the results so I don't have to be jumping every time the phone rings.  I think he's planning to come home and tell me whatever it is...

I told Betsy and Dr. Hines that I took a home test and they said they hoped it was wrong- so I guess that's a possibility although I am definitely not counting on it...

So what do you do while you wait?  Febreze the whole house of course!  There's something about spraying Febreze- it's kinda like you're cleaning but without the scrubbing, etc.  I have walked over the whole house spraying- rugs, carpet, drapes, shower curtains, pillows...  I am almost out of Febreze and I'm blogging because I can't sit on the furniture because it's wet.  I may be driven to do laundry.

Let you know something later...

The Waiting...

...is definitely the hardest part.  (You are so wise, Tom Petty.) (You must have had IVF before you wrote that song...)  Thankfully, we are now only 24 hours away from knowing the outcome...maybe less!  I will go in at 8:30 tomorrow morning and give some of my blood...

I am planning to ask what our next steps will be either way so I can go ahead and start to wrap my brain around what will be next on this crazy adventure.  

I calculated last night that by the time we learn the results, I will have had 58 shots since April 2. Make that 59 counting the blood they will draw tomorrow... I can definitely say I have no fear of needles.  (Oh, plus accupunture- I can't even begin to count all of those needles- I'd say 15-30 each visit...!)

The past week has been OK for the most part.  I am starting to feel a little more normal- my Grimace stomach is starting to deflate a little although the progesterone is making me crazy hungry!

Brad is still doing great with the shots- tonight may be our last shot (if result is negative), but if it's positive he'll get to give me at least 60 more...(until 10 weeks of pregnancy).

OK.....

I'm gonna be honest here...I took a home pregnancy test this morning and it was negative.  So, please know that I am prepared for that to be the answer.  I have had trouble with home tests in the past and it may be to early and all that, but it was clearly negative.  It didn't even tease me for a second.  

One thing that I learned from seeing that minus sign was that I didn't really realize how much I truly believed this could work.  I thought I was pretty guarded and "cautiously optimistic" but I was actually a little surprised it wasn't positive!  I mean we put not one, but two completely developed blastocysts in there-- they are well on their way to being a baby...how can it not work, right?  Well, stats say it only works 40-50% of the time and as Dr. Hines told us from the beginning- it will either be 0 or 100% for us.  

I am prepared to be the 0% tomorrow.  (As prepared as I can be.)  I am actually glad I cheated and took the home test- I think it may have softened the blow for me a bit.  

It's not over.  We do still have one little popsicle blastocyst in the freezer and will definitely go ahead and do another transfer- supposedly it's not as bad as all these shots, etc...  But after that, I believe we will start praying that there truly is a stork out there somewhere... (I think he may live next door to the Tooth Fairy.) 

Thanks again for reading and praying and loving us.  Will let you know the definite result tomorrow as soon as possible.

Cautiously Optimistic- is this an oxymoron?

It's now been about 24 hours since our transfer- I am still in my pj's and resting...it's a rainy day so I don't feel so guilty about lounging around...

The transfer went very well. It was uncomfortable but not painful. At the time of transfer we had 4 blastocysts that had kept growing since the last report. They had chosen the best 2 for transfer- one was good quality and the other was OK. The remaining 2 they watched through the afternoon (because they were not looking too good) and then called this morning to let me know that one was "freezable."

I won't get into the gory details of the transfer but we did get to watch on a sonogram screen- we saw that I do have some signs of hyperstimulation- very enlarged ovaries- they are pushing on everything including my uterus (and bladder- I have to use the restroom VERY frequently). I have some fluid in the area but nothing to be alarmed about. My uterus looked good and once the doctor had his route mapped out he called for the lab...she came in with a loaded catheter and within minutes we saw a flash of white on the screen in my uterus- they were in there!

The lady from the lab took the catheter to make sure that both were missing from the tube (apparently sometimes one tries to stay in) and minutes later she gave us the OK that both were indeed in their new home...

We talked with Dr. Hines a few minutes about how things seemed to turn from going so well to having just a few embryos left and about the quality...He said that it may indicate that there is a problem and that may be why we have had so much trouble up to this point...He said not to worry about it for now, just to be hopeful for these 2 we put in.

Well, that's kinda like saying here's some really discouraging news but I need you to be positive even though I just admitted there may not be a reason to be...kind of impossible not to worry about- especially when this is the final step in the infertility process...

Anyway, I'm not sure what I expected to feel like after the transfer, but it was emotional and hard to be excited and hopeful like I was before the procedure. Definitely a lot more pressure on the little blasts that are in there right now!!! Brad stayed home with me all afternoon- we rested and read and just had a lazy day. Mom came and fed us and we both slept well last night- relieved that the final step is complete.

I will continue progesterone shots at least until next Tuesday when we go in for a blood test for pregnancy. If it is negative, I stop shots and wait for my period and if it is positive we'll continue shots until 10 weeks of pregnancy and of course be out of our minds happy.

I will be honest and admit that I am bracing myself. "Cautiously optimistic" is what Dr. Hines has told us to be- I am probably erring toward cautious after the report on the progress and quality of the blastocysts...

You have all been so supportive and positive over the past 6 weeks and we thank you for that. I will post our results as soon as I feel ready to- please understand if we are not answering phone calls and texts that day- either outcome, I think we'll need a little time to let it absorb.

Again, thank you for everything and please continue to pray for the little blasts in my uterus- I am talking to them and telling them all the great people who already love them so much---- if they will just grab on!

It's the FINAL COUNTDOWN...

This time tomorrow I will be housing 2 little blastocysts in my uterus! Yippee!

Our report for the day came around 9:30 this morning. Betsy called asked how I was feeling - I was like "yea, yea bloated, sore, fine- tell me the news." She said "Are you ready for the update?" and my heart sank--- they really should think through how they say even the little things! Anyway, the report was great- we have 2 embryos that are 8-10 cells and are "ok" quality. We will give them another day...Then, we have 6 embryos that are good quality and are in a sort of pre-blastocyst stage so they should be ready for tomorrow! We have set transfer for 1:30 p.m. and will put 2 of the "best" quality embryos in- this has to do with the measurement of the cells, etc. I don't understand it all...

I am SO ready! This is the last step and also the scariest. They will either attach or not. There is nothing we can do- just PRAY! They have all behaved so nicely I want to believe they will keep up the good work! I think we are both very guarded at this point- Brad maybe too much. I am hoping that we can stay positive for the next week and deal with whatever results we get then! At least it looks like we will have a few to freeze for future transfers so I won't have to do all those stimulating drugs again...so there's the silver lining if the news is not what we hope for...

I am prepared for at least 24 hours of bed rest. Our doctor doesn't require it, but I have read a lot about it- mixed opinions, I just feel like it can't hurt...So, I've been to Barnes & Noble- got five books and Nancy brought me 3 movies...I should be covered. (This is what it takes to keep a busybody busy!) (and my mind off babies as much as possible) (impossible)

So pray specifically that we will still have plenty of healthy embryos to choose from tomorrow, that Dr. Hines will have a nice steady catheter and not upset my uterine lining and that our little blasts will grab with all their might and make a cozy home in my womb! (We have been joking about giving them nice accommodations with their own pool to live in and a 9 month lease! Who wouldn't want to live there!?) Anyway, Dr. Hines says to hope for a singleton, but let's pray for them both...

Tomorrow shouldn't be bad- I've actually had a test run of this procedure and done it once as an insemination- I'm an old pro at this one! Should be up to blogging- will do so from bed...

PRAY!

p.s. Added a link about embryo transfer if you want to know what we'll be up to tomorrow!

Misusing Medical Vocabulary & Eating Cheese Dip in Bed

Morula Stage...It just sounds ominous doesn't it? Day 4 for embryos is called morula stage (or "minerva stage" as Brad explained to me after retrieval...) If you want to learn more about the stages follow the link I have posted on the right hand side of this page---- this website has been a great resource for us! We don't get a call today because apparently the embryos don't like to be looked at on day 4- they are busy trying to become BLASTOCYSTS!!!!

Blastocyst has become a very popular word in our house...We use it in all kinds of scenarios- when you stub your toe, you scream "BLASTOCYST!" When you are petting the dog, you say "You're such a sweet little blastocyst..." etc., etc. Please feel free to try to use the word blastocyst in a sentence today- completely out of the context of what it really is, of course! I guess it's just our way of admitting it's consuming our minds without having to talk about it seriously! (Look at me analyzing myself... isn't that just blastocystic?) (it really is a great word, isn't it?!)

Anyway, I am still much more comfortable when I am lying down- that retrieval was a little tougher than they prepped us for (probably a good strategy on their part). So me and Gracie and Rudder are getting lots of quality time together laying in the bed drinking G2, reading and playing ridiculous amounts of solitaire on my iPhone. If I don't change out of my pajamas today I think Brad is going to disown me. My favorite quote from when he picked up Mexican for us last night (sweet hubby, huh?) was "You cannot eat cheese dip in the bed!" (He knows that I indeed can and would if allowed...apparently we have decided to at least pretend we are adults these days...) (Blastocyst!)

So, on Thursday night we began progesterone shots. Yes, that means I had one day off of shots, one day of a not so comfortable retrieval and then shots again...These shots however are not subcutaneous. (See, I do know other words besides blastocyst...) (Oh- subcutaneous are like the ones in my tummy or you can do them in your leg...) These shots are IM- intramuscular- meaning you have to have someone stab them into the muscle in your rear end (the upper outer quadrant, to be exact). Well, as you know, sweet Sharon Brown did my trigger shot (IM) for me and then did Thursday and Friday nights of the progesterone shots. Brad had pointed out that I am going to have to have these shots for some time so we better learn how to do them ourselves! I am saddened by this because Sharon is such a great shot giver- she is quick and I barely even felt the huge needle! (I am also comforted by the fact that if I pass out she will know what to do with me!) But I know Brad is right, we must learn to shoot up, just the 2 of us....

So last night I realize the hour had arrived and I start to see if I could give it to myself- you know, looking in the rear view mirror (pun intended- you're welcome). When I start to think it may not be that good of an idea, I go in the kitchen and make brownies (because what else do you want to do after looking at your own huge rear end?) So then I call sweetly up the stairs that it is time for my shot. He runs down a little too eagerly and I know that this is going to hurt. Remember, this is the man who was telling me that I just had to "commit" and get it in there! This is a through and through BULL IN A CHINA SHOP. So we get everything together and I am reminding him that he doesn't have to get it far in- just in ENOUGH...I lean against the counter and he is taking a minute (think he's trying to sneak up on me- he thinks this is a good strategy) Then he tries to start asking me a questions about something else (another strategy) and I say just do it. And he does. And I scream "BLASTOCYST!" No, I didn't, but that would have been funny. I just tried to keep breathing and was telling him to quit wiggling it around and pushing the progesterone in so hard!!!!

You see, the progesterone is in oil which makes for a very thick shot and a very large needle. The small 1 inch needles that I once feared would puncture all my internal organs are now just sweet, sweet memories... I am starting to think that at this stage in the process they are just messing with me, testing my commitment because I know there are other ways to take progesterone... I'm imagining them saying, "Hey let's fill some little vials with vegetable oil, charge them $70 for them and give them some huge needles to inject it with- at home! In her rear end! Every night for at least 3 weeks!" Insert evil laugh here.

No, actually after it was over it was fine. Brad did a good job and didn't pass out himself. I shared my brownies with him and asked him sweetly to not do it quite so hard tomorrow...we'll see how it goes.

Let you know tomorrow about the embryos- pray hard tonight that we have several blastocysts. We have read that between day 3 and day 5 some will arrest (stop growing). We just pray that as many as are able will thrive! We will know tomorrow about transfer details...PLEASE pray!

@ 72 hours...

YIPPEE! They are all still growing!

Today we have 5(!) 8 cells, 1 6 cell, 1 5 cell and 1 4 cell...right on track- we wanted them to be between 4 and 8 today and they all are!

More later- gotta teach some piano!